


the royal road to geometry

by allmydecembers (diasterisms)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-25 00:36:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17111102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diasterisms/pseuds/allmydecembers
Summary: Rey dug in with gusto, her tastebuds coming alive at the sensory overload of buttery space waffle, creamy eggs, and crisp bacon."So good,"she moaned through a full mouth, cheeks bulging and eyes fluttering shut in ecstasy, and then she tipped her head back as she swallowed, licking her lips.Kylo's dark gaze was fixated on her as if he was looking at the most fascinating sight in the world, the piece of space waffle speared on his fork immobilized halfway to his mouth, forgotten.(Or: A non-canonical LWABOC outtakeandin-universe Waffle House crackfic, because I'm not a coward.)





	the royal road to geometry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Poppi Willow (Poppi_Willow)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poppi_Willow/gifts).



> This is my contribution to [Waffle House shenanigans](https://twitter.com/WaffleHouse/status/1075108321475133440), which would never have been possible without our dear Sunni. This little story (as well as all the other works in [the collection](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/waffle_house_aus)) is for her, with my love <3 
> 
> A few notes before we begin: This is a cracky, non-canonical outtake from [landscape with a blur of conquerors](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11442951/chapters/25645101), but I can't ask people to slog through all 48 chapters just for this fic xD In case you're not reading LWABOC but want to read this one-shot, the basic premise is that, after the events of _The Force Awakens,_ Kylo and Rey are in an arranged marriage to preserve Galactic Peace (TM) after Rey is discovered to be the child of Prince Isolder of Hapes and Teneniel Djo of Dathomir, so she's basically [Tenel Ka](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Tenel_Ka_Djo) in this 'verse. She and Kylo hate each other until... *drumroll* _they don't._ Shocking, I know.
> 
> For LWABOC readers, I have no idea where in the timeline this fic would take place. Possibly after the masquerade... or maybe in the future ;)

The act of forging an intragalactic trade agreement between two vastly different sectors was, in itself, already ripe cause for a tension headache, but add to it the fact that one party's approach to Basic was so spectacularly  _unique_ that they might as well have been speaking another language entirely and— well— Her Grace Kira Ka Djo,  _Chume'da_ of the Hapes Consortium, who was also Her Majesty Kira Ka Djo, Empress of the First Order, who had ten months ago just been Rey of the Resistance, was well on her way to wringing some necks. She thought she might quite like to start with Lieutenant Dopheld Mitaka, who had been selected to join the negotiation panel  _specifically_ for his familiarity with the Gree language-form— a familiarity the depth of which was becoming more and more suspect with each hour that passed.

 

Rey smiled politely at Administrator General Lalat'k, who had just wrapped up his speech and was now slithering back into his chair on the opposite end of the conference table. He did not have a mouth capable of returning the smile— the Gree vocalized through multiple fleshy folds on the lower half of the face— but his large black eyes goggled at her expectantly, waiting for a response.

 

It was credit to her training as the heir to the Hapan throne that Rey's smile stayed put as she firmly held Lalat'k's gaze. "Well?" she prompted Mitaka from out of the corner of her mouth. "What did he say?"

 

"Er—" Mitaka hastily consulted his datapad. "So we've already established that 'white vertex is their term for 'negotiation,' but now he's talking about a 'blue parallel,' which I think means 'treaty'— unless I'm confusing it with the term for 'war'—"

 

"Do you by any chance know what 'nerf herder' means?" Rey asked brightly.

 

"I  _do_ apologize, Your Majesty," groaned a flustered Mitaka. "I only spent one summer here during my Academy days—"

 

Mitaka was seated to her left. Under the table, Rey pinched the solidly muscled thigh of the man on her right. "Your translator says he only spent one summer here!" she hissed.

 

"I believed that was sufficient time for him to know the language," drawled His Majesty Kylo Ren, consort to the Hapan  _Chume'da,_ Emperor of the First Order, Master of the Knights of Ren, and Ben to his wife alone. "Evidently I was once more mistaken in my assessment of his competence."

 

"Would you give us a moment, Administrator General?" Rey said.

 

The Enclave's protocol droid, In-iK, whirred something to Lalat'k, who boomed, "Affirmative, the red rhombus may disengage."

 

'Red rhombus' was the highest honorary title the Gree could bestow— Rey knew that much, at least, and she thanked Lalat'k before shooting a meaningful glance at Lairelosse Yliri, the Ducha of Talcharaim. Lairelosse rose gracefully from her chair and walked over to the Enclave's side of the table with a dazzling, megawatt smile; it was doubtful that a cephalopod species would submit to being charmed by a humanoid for however long it took Mitaka to finish wrestling with the translation, but if anyone could do it, it was the Lady of Starfall.

 

Once Lairelosse had distracted the Gree with light-hearted— albeit fumbling— conversation, Rey allowed her posture to relax infinitesimally, whispering, "This is a disaster," to her husband while Mitaka frantically perused his datapad.

 

Kylo's gloved hand rested on her knee, a comforting weight through the layers of Denebrillan starsilk that comprised her skirts. "Shall I take you away from here, red rhombus?" he murmured, his dark eyes glinting with wry humor.

 

"Switch off." Rey's foot nudged his. "Maker, I'm starving."

 

Kylo immediately turned solemn. "I'll ask Lalat'k if they might serve some refreshments— although I don't put much stock in Gree cuisine—"

 

"No, it's all right, I can hold out for a bit longer." Kylo always took her hunger seriously, and Rey would have kissed him on the cheek for it if they weren't in the middle of an important diplomatic meeting. Instead, she settled for skimming her fingers over the back of his leather-clad hand, taking pleasure in the mere act of being able to touch him, and not just via the Force bond. She hadn't seen him in a while; their respective duties— hers in the Hapes Cluster, his in the galaxy at large— had enforced a separation of three weeks, before they met up at Salin to make the jump into the Veragi Trade Route that then took them to the heart of the Gree Enclave in the Outer Rim Territories. "I  _have_ missed you, my lord."

 

Kylo's hand wandered slowly from Rey's knee to her thigh in a slow, measured caress. "Perhaps later you can show me how much."

 

Her heart skipped a beat, something warm and pleasant swooping through her belly at the affection in his tone, at the hint of a roguish leer on his pale, handsome face. "Am I to do all the work, then?" she quipped.

 

"Perish the thought." He was stroking along her inner thigh now, the tips of his fingers tantalizingly close to the spot between her legs that was unmistakably starting to grow damp,  _stars,_ had it really been that long— "You should know by now that I will  _always_ endeavor to take care of you first."

 

"Ben," Rey breathed, clutching at his arm in a loose grasp that did little in the way of stopping him. To everyone else in the room, the Emperor and the  _Chume'da_ were just speaking to each other in low voices, they didn't—  _couldn't—_ know that her husband was feeling her up under the table, palming her thigh as his large hand gradually rose higher...

 

"Wait, no, it _does_ stand for 'treaty'—" Mitaka's voice on Rey's other side sounded like it was coming from very far away— "so if 'an evolution in the purple vertex' will assure the 'orange tangent'— Your Majesty!" He turned to Rey in triumph and she jumped, all but kicking Kylo's hand away. "Lalat'k wants the Consortium to include a monthly shipment of Harterran pheasant with the dreamsilk and the gems."

 

Rey blinked. "Oh, is that all? That's easy enough. What's 'agreement'?"

 

"Yellow concave,'" Mitaka hurriedly obliged.

 

Glad that the end of the talks was now in sight, Rey stood up and proclaimed her acceptance of the terms in what she hoped was adequate Gree. All nine representatives of the Enclave stared at her for several long, thunderous moments, and then—

 

— And then they started _hissing,_ their fat gray tentacles rising into the air in obvious threat—

 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Mitaka moaned, checking his datapad again, "'yellow concave' means 'unsuccessful,' I was thinking of 'blue tangent'—"

 

"This white shift is unacceptable!" Administrator General Lalat'k roared. "We will promote it to the green perpendicular at once—"

 

"Ah." Mitaka gulped, all color draining from his face. "Now  _that_ is the Gree term for 'war.'"

 

*

 

"Please do not be so difficult on yourself, red rhombus," In-iK said to Rey as he ferried the Hapan delegation— and its First Order tag-along— out of the Administrators' skyscraper after the misunderstanding had been smoothed over and a break for lunch was called. "The Gree language-form is dissimilar to Basic language-form. Because Gree senses are unique red bisectors! Five Gree senses analyze forms. Three Gree senses soak color. So goes language. Other species miscommunicate our language-words."

 

Rey tried to graciously incline her head at the droid as she'd been taught, but it came out as more of an awkward little nod, shaken as she was at having nearly instigated armed conflict between the Consortium and the Enclave.

 

Sensing her distress, Kylo abandoned all propriety and took her hand as they walked, giving it a reassuring squeeze and not letting go. A cloud car, large and black and sleek, pulled up in front of the skyscraper and Boethiah Ren emerged. Rey could practically  _feel_ her raise an eyebrow behind her mask at the sight of the Emperor and the  _Chume'da'_ s intertwined fingers.

 

"Were you able to find a satisfactory place to dine?" Kylo asked.

 

Boethiah nodded. "There's a small spacer's outpost not far from here, with a restaurant. It's not much, but it serves humanoid food."

 

"Excellent!" cooed Lairelosse. "What is it called?"

 

*

 

The bright neon-yellow sign shone against the midday sky of the Gree homeworld, stark black letters cheerfully screaming  _SPACE WAFFLE HOUSE_ in Aurebesh over a flat diner-type establishment with a striped red awning, surrounded by a bevy of docked airspeeders, most of which had obviously seen better days.

 

"I have a bad feeling about this," Kylo mumbled to Rey as he helped her out of the cloud car.

 

"Well,  _I_ think it looks marvelous," Niobe, one of Rey's ladies-in-waiting, proclaimed with a valiant smile as their party sailed in through the doors. "Positively enchant—"

 

All noise inside the Space Waffle House ground to a halt as every single rough-looking pilot, bounty hunter, junk dealer, and small-time criminal swerved their heads to gawk at the new arrivals.

 

"— ing," Niobe finished as her smile faltered.

 

"Forward," Kylo snapped at his knights.

 

Hircine, Clavicus, Boethiah, Jyggalag, Meridia, and Mephala Ren led the charge into the diner, their obsidian masks glinting beneath the fluorescent lights and their gauntleted hands very emphatically hovering over the hilts of their respective weapons. The other patrons hurriedly looked away and resumed their own conversations with one another with burning single-mindedness.

 

Rey grimaced as she caught sight of her reflection in the window-glass. She was wearing a long-sleeved silver gown with an empire waistline, the ruby-eyed dragon tiara perched atop the mass of curls that her ladies had spent most of the jump to the Gree Enclave styling. Kylo was dressed in formal robes as well— black silk with a sumptuous gold brocade trim— and they and the rest of their party stuck out like a sore thumb amidst the white linoleum floors and red vinyl upholstery of the Space Waffle House.

 

A peppy blonde waitress ushered them to a row of three booths, and Kylo and Rey sat with Lairelosse and Mitaka in one while the knights and the ladies-in-waiting claimed the other two.

 

"Welcome to Space Waffle House, what can I get you today?" the waitress, whose nametag read  _SUNNI,_ asked, bringing out her datapad. She seemed friendly enough but showed no trace of the deference to which Rey had become accustomed. The Gree Enclave was located in a remote corner of the Outer Rim and was still somewhat isolationist, so she probably had no idea that she was about to jot down the orders of the most powerful— and, in the Hapans' case,  _richest—_ people in the galaxy. It was a refreshing change of pace.

 

Rey perused the laminated menu that had been placed in front of her at the table, her eyes widening. Everything looked delicious, and she was now in a position where she could afford anything she wanted. Hell, she could buy the whole restaurant and move it to Hapes—

 

"Excuse me, my good woman," Janassa chirped at Sunni from the booth the ladies-in-waiting had occupied. "We'd like some hors d'oeuvres before starting on the main course. I'd quite fancy some terrine, I think, and what cheeses are you serving today, if you would be so kind?"

 

Sunni blinked. "We have hash browns," she said slowly. "You can get them smothered, covered, chunked, diced, peppered, capped, topped, country, or all the way."

 

"I don't understand what you're saying," Esli, the shyest of Rey's ladies, told Sunni, sounding like she was about to burst into tears.

 

Lairelosse scanned the menu. "What are your options for deviled egg toppings? Do you do caviar?"

 

Sunni scratched her head. "Miss, for eggs, you can get them scrambled or fried, although someone in the kitchen might know how to poach them, if you like. We've got omelets, too."

 

Lairelosse's elegant features all but collapsed in relief. "I shall have the omelet, then."

 

"Great! You want it fiesta or with ham and cheese?"

 

Lairelosse stared at Sunni, dumbstruck. In the silence that followed, Rey cleared her throat. "I'll have the All-Star Special, please."

 

"As will I," Kylo said quickly, handing his menu back to the waitress.

 

"Really?" Sunni grinned at Kylo. "You seem more like a steak-and-eggs kind of guy."

 

It was Kylo's turn to stare at her, and Rey hastily bit back a grin of her own.

 

Meanwhile, the Knights of Ren had finished consulting with one another over the menu, and it was Hircine who addressed Sunni. "Burgers all around and an extra order of Papa Joe's Pork Chops for me, thanks."

 

"What," Rey heard Vanya hiss to Sayl at the ladies' table, "are  _burgers?"_

 

"I have no idea," said Sayl. "Who is Papa Joe?"

 

*

 

When their food arrived, Rey dug in with gusto. She was famished, her tastebuds coming alive at the sensory overload of buttery space waffle, creamy eggs, and crisp bacon.  _"So good,"_ she moaned through a full mouth, cheeks bulging and eyes fluttering shut in ecstasy, and then she tipped her head back as she swallowed, licking her lips.

 

Kylo's dark gaze was fixated on her as if he was looking at the most fascinating sight in the world, the piece of space waffle speared on his fork immobilized halfway to his mouth, forgotten.

 

"Is the All-Star Special to your liking, Emperor Ren?" Mitaka ventured to ask.

 

Kylo started, as if he had been rudely awoken from a dream, and muttered something about how it was "passable" as he returned to his food, the tips of his ears flushing red. Rey felt a wave of exasperated compassion for her snooty husband— she knew he wasn't used to dining in places like this— and she reached out under the table to rest her hand on his knee.

 

He started again, inching slightly away from her. She frowned at that, tapping into their bond in an effort to determine what was wrong, and—

 

Oh.

 

_Oh._

 

Rey leaned in close. "Later," she promised softly in Kylo's ear, delighting in the flush that crept up his cheeks.

 

Across the table, Lairelosse sighed as she poked mournfully at the thick yellow concoction on her plate. "This isn't an omelet."

 

The doors swung open once more and Prince Isolder of the Hapes Consortium and Aleson Gray, Lord of the Serpent's Trace, strode into the Space Waffle House. They attracted far less attention from the other patrons, owing no doubt to the fact that Aleson dressed like a bounty hunter himself.

 

"How was your meeting with the Operators?" Rey asked, the words muffled through another helping of bacon as the two men joined their table. "Is the technology they wish to trade up to par?"

 

"More than," Isolder said happily. He sat across from Rey and patted her hand. "I heard about the little incident during negotiations— do not fret too much, my dear. What's a little diplomatic crisis now and then? Keeps things interesting."

 

Rey wrinkled her nose at her father. "Thank you. I guess."

 

_"Aleson!"_ the blonde waitress gushed, all but flying back to their table, her eyes sparkling. "How  _wonderful_ to see you again, it's been so long!"

 

"Madame." Aleson flashed his trademark crooked grin. "Still lighting up the galaxy as ever, I see."

 

Sunni giggled. Beside Rey, Kylo grunted something that sounded suspiciously like, "For kriff's sake."

 

After Sunni took Isolder and Aleson's orders, she looked at Rey's empty plate. "Some dessert, maybe? We have a new item on the menu— space waffles topped with a blend of peanut butter and chocolate chips."

 

Rey's eyes widened. She was so overcome by such a delectable-sounding combination that she was momentarily speechless— well, because of that and also the last bite of her meal that was still in her mouth.

 

Kylo draped an arm over the backrest she was leaning against, his hand lightly grazing the round of her shoulder. "She'll have the double," he told the waitress.

 

*

 

Rey eventually convinced Kylo to try some of her dessert and, later, when she kissed her husband in the corridor outside the 'fresher of the Space Waffle House, he tasted like chocolate and syrup and all good, sweet things.

 

*

 

Aside from being a fiercely loyal subject, Lairelosse had on more than one occasion proclaimed that she had a soft spot for the  _Chume'da,_ which was tantamount to a declaration of eternal sisterhood by Hapan standards. Thus, seeing her express even mild disapproval with Rey was disconcerting, to say the least.

 

"Their Majesties got kicked out of Space Waffle House," she muttered in the cloud car on the way back to the Administrator skyscraper. It had already been a trying day for Lairelosse, what with the minor breakdown in negotiations and the mockery of an omelet that she'd been forced to have for lunch.  _This_ was the last straw.

 

"Laire," Aleson tried to soothe, "it's all right—"

 

"The  _Chume'da_ and her consort got kicked out of Space Waffle House," Lairelosse repeated like she hadn't heard him, staring off into space, "for public indecency."

 

Rey shifted uneasily in her seat while Kylo, still holding her hand, gazed out the viewport, carefully avoiding Isolder's grave star that had remained focused on him ever since they all piled back into the cloud car.

 

"It's just that the Emperor and I haven't seen each other in a while," Rey explained.

 

"Indeed," Isolder said frostily, still looking at his son-in-law. "If the manager had dragged you two out of there a few more minutes later, we would  _all_ have seen  _far_ too much."

 

Kylo tried not to cringe.

 

*

 

Night fell with a few more points needing to be resolved. The negotiations wound down for the day with the promise of an early start the next morning, and the joint Hapan and First Order delegation were shown to their respective suites.

 

Rey had always been adept at picking up new languages and, after having navigated the maze that was Gree for hours, she felt she'd gotten a better handle on its expression patterns. "Parallel" was good, "perpendicular" was less desirable. "Black" was hard and "white" was easy. A "vertex" was a relationship between two objects or individuals. "Purple" was always advantageous and "blue" was terrible unless combined with "parallel." A "sphere" was a thought or a concept.

 

She and Lalat'k chatted amiably as the Administrator General escorted the imperial couple to their chambers. Lalat'k seemed content with the direction the talks were going— or, at least, Rey was  _almost_ certain "convex" was positive. She and Kylo bid him a good night as the door to their chambers slid open, and he peered at them for a while, the look in his black eyes enigmatic. Rey wondered how much he knew of her and her husband's history. The Gree were one of the galaxy's most ancient races, and that was not a status achieved without knowing all there was to know about enemies and allies alike.

 

"I have hope," Lalat'k finally said, "for the purple shift. A good night to both."

 

Kylo turned to Rey once they were alone in their suite, the door closing behind them. "What is a purple shift?" he asked.

 

"I think it stands for 'solution' or 'repairs,' so he was probably expressing optimism for tomorrow's talks," said Rey, sitting down on the bed and kicking off her heels with no small amount of relief. She checked her datapad to make sure she was correct. "Depending on the context, it can also mean 'redemption,'" she murmured to herself. Her eyes stayed fixed on the word on the screen for a while, letting the shape of it settle in her bones, and then she looked up at a flicker of movement at the edge of her vision.

 

Kylo had shed his outer robes and was now inspecting the somewhat utilitarian room in his simple black shirt and trousers. He absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair, looking just the slightest bit grumpy, as he always did after a long day. "Apologies,  _cyar'ika—_ what was the last thing you said?"

 

"Never mind." Rey placed her datapad on the nightstand then flopped back on the bed, formal gown and all, her arms open, already waiting to hold him. "Come here and let's finish what we started at the Space Waffle House."

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a reference to Euclid, who once said that "There is no royal road to geometry."
> 
> I got the idea to include a waitress!Poppi_Willow cameo from ReyloRobyn2011's [own lovely AU](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/waffle_house_aus/works/17071256?view_adult=true).
> 
> [SPACE WAFFLES ARE AN ACTUAL THING IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Space_waffle).
> 
> The Gree [language](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Gree_%28language%29), [species](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Gree_\(species\)/Legends), [homeworld](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Gree), and [Enclave](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Gree_Enclave/Legends).
> 
> [Lalat'k](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lalat%27k).
> 
> [In-iK](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/In-iK).
> 
> [Salin](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Salin).
> 
> [Veragi Trade Route](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Veragi_Trade_Route).


End file.
